Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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