one might say we're banned from that church
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
