Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
