This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
