Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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