After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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