I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
