Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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