Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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