If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
