The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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