apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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