Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
