My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
why do cheetos always look like penises
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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