those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
