Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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