That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
