He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
