you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
