i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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