That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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