A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have aggressive nipples.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
