Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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