my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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