Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
