i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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