Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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