Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
