peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i think i just lost a toe
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
