i dedicated my morning wood to you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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