i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
