I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
