my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
