I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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