i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
