Define "chronic" masturbator.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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