her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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