where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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