if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
