i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Acid is not a monday night drug
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
