Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
