I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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