Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
