a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
