I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
