Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
