dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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