I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
