i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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