I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
