Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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