So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
