I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
