if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
