Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
