just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
