I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
