i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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